If you talked to me about graduation in the calendar year leading up to graduation, I shushed you and said, "We don't talk about it." If you talked to me about graduation in the week leading up to graduation, then I probably burst into tears (I was a bit emotionally unstable that week). Now, approximately 12 days after the Event, being a "college grad" still hasn't sunk in. Maybe it's because I'm still in town and on campus, finishing up the last class I need to actually complete my degree. Maybe it's because I still don't have a Grown-Up Job yet. Honestly, it's probably both of those things, along with several others. When I figure it out, I'll let you know for sure.
And when you're in a Slump
you're not in for much fun.
Un-Slumping yourself
is not easily done. (Dr. Seuss)
And hush. I can hear you through the screen! You're crying wildly, "Why are you in a Slump? You should be so excited! The world is your oyster, you can do anything!"
That's where I'm going to stop you, debunk you, and tell you the harsh truth: I can't do just anything. While it seems like a glorious idea, and you're right, I have quite a bit of freedom to do whatever I want to do, it's not plausible, and it's not realistic. I don't have money saved (oops) past the point of paying for my summer expenses. I don't have the wherewithal to just pick and up and move to Vermont or something radical like that. I'm not brave enough to go backpack through Europe on my own. A lot of that is due to personal inhibition, and a lot of it also due to straight up toddler-like, "I don't want to" behavior.
It's more than just circumstances though that lead straight to Slumpsville. It's the mental mindset. Almost all my life, I have been a student. Before I was a student, my favorite game to play was School; every summer since my sophomore year of college, I have taken at least one class. For the nearly the last 16 years of my life, I have been a Student. Quite honestly, I don't know how to be anything else. Sure, I've been trained to be a teacher, and once I get a job, I'll do my best to fulfill that role, but right now, I don't know how to just Be. There's no more, "Oh, let's do that next semester!", no more, "55 days until we move in!", and no more "one more time"s. They're all gone; they flew out the window when the President of the University handed me that empty diploma holder.
And that's terrifying.
Sure, I'll make new friends, keep in touch with the old ones, move to new places and in with old roommates. I know those things will, eventually, happen. What I don't know is when they'll come, what form they'll take, or if I'll be ready.
I'd like to say it's all okay, and I know it will be, but right now, there's a lot of uncertainty. Being an Adult is weird, and I'm constantly feeling like I need an adultier adult. But it's kind of just me, and that's a little world-shaking. I know that I have a great support system, and I'm beyond thankful for them; however, it still doesn't shake the feeling of Aloneness that graduating has created deep in my soul (and please hear me, I know I'm not alone).
Anyway, to borrow from a dear friend of mine, hug a college grad if you see one, and don't ask them about their plans. That incites panic, and panic is to be avoided. I'll be okay, it'll just take a while.
And that has to be okay.
You're great.
xxoo,
Emily
- 7:08 PM
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